Songs For Us
by BeLikeThat
Summary: ...And then she’s gone. Just like that, she leaves me. I never thought it would end like this. But sometimes things don’t work out the way you think they should, or the way they’re supposed to. EO oneshotssongfics! Rated for language, smut,death,etc.


_**Carry You Home**_  
A Law & Order: SVU Fic

WARNING: Character death story!

_Trouble is her only friend, and he's back again  
Makes her body older than it really is  
And she says it's high time she went away, no one's got much to say in this town  
Trouble is the only way is down, down, down._

He's been stalking her for weeks now. Trouble is he hasn't made any threats to her, so there's nothing we can do about it. He has been annoyingly subtle about it. Just like Michael Gardner, when he stalked those women that he raped. Coincidence is what he says. It's not like we don't want to do anything about it. But legally we can't do anything.

She's been unbelievably strong about it, but we can all see how scared she is. I remember when I ordered that protective detail for her all those years ago, without her knowing (or wanting) it. I was lucky she forgave me for it.

Should I do it again?

My cell is going off now. I'm picking it up, and it's Fin. He says I need to get over to Liv's place now.

Oh, God. He did it. The bastard did it.

_As strong as you were, tender you go  
I'm watching you breathing, for the last time  
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet  
I know what it means and I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home._

I'm there before the bus. It's only Fin and a few uniforms who have no idea what the fuck they're doing.

She's lying in the alley, her eyes closed. She's only half clothed. God, I've waited so long to see her half clothed, but now I don't care about that.

All I want –no, all I need- is for her to be okay.

Fin is kneeling next to her, and his tears stain her breast. It won't be long before mine join his. I fall to my knees beside her body, which seems so frail at the moment. This is not the Liv I know. The Liv I know is strong and unable to be broken. If she still had something there, I might believe that she could pull through this.

But she's gone already. Even if she's still alive, she's given up. There's no reason for her to live anymore.

We can hear the bus pulling up in front of the building, and Fin jumps up to tell them where they are.

I'm alone with her.

Almost as if she knows Fin has gone, even though he didn't say a word when he left us, she opens her eyes. A tear is sliding out of her eye, falling toward her ear. She's leaving me. She coughs weakly, and blood dribbles out of her mouth.

"Oh, Liv."

I can hardly speak. I can't think. All I know is that she's leaving me forever. And I don't know what to do.

She reaches up and puts a shaky hand on my cheek.

"Oh, El. Stay with me."

"No, Liv, you have to stay with _me_. You can't leave me like this. That bastard did this to you…and now you have to help put him away. You'll see him be convicted in court, you'll see him go to jail for life for what he did to you, you'll be here for all of it. You have to be."

I'm rambling. I'm not making any sense. I'm wasting the last few seconds I'll ever have with her.

A smile is gracing her face now. The tears are pouring from her eyes, and I can't tell if it's from pain or something else. The blood is pooling around her, haloing her whole body like some gruesome sign of worship.

She is a saint.

"You have to be strong for me, Liv. I can't go on without…"

My voice breaks as the tears overwhelm me. I know Fin is standing over me, but he's holding the EMT's off. At least he understands.

Now I'm reaching up, grabbing her hand as it rests on my cheek.

"El...You have to learn...I'll be with you forever...You've always been the stronger one...You'll be okay."

And then she's gone. Just like that, she leaves me. I never thought it would end like this. But sometimes things don't work out the way you think they should, or the way they're supposed to. Sometimes it's over before it has even begun.

Her eyes close, but the smile remains on her beautiful face. Her hand has gone limp in mine, but still I clutch it for dear life, as if I can never let go.

"Liv...I love you."

I reach down with my free hand and brush away a stray lock of chestnut hair that is askew over her face. With one last long look, I place her warm hand on her stomach and rise. Fin is right there to catch me when I sway. Our tears fall simultaneously again, and this time they will never stop.

_If she had wings she would fly away and another day God will give her some.  
Trouble is the only way is down, down, down._

Cragen told me to stay away from work for a week. I don't know what they'll do with only Lake and Fin on duty, but Cragen insists that that's not for me to worry about.

Fin filled me in on everything as we sat on her couch, the couch she'll never sit on again. He said that she called him, terrified and panicking, raped and shot in an alley behind her apartment building. The "2" button on her cell phone (which happened to be Fin's number set to her speed dial) was the first one she pressed – she told him that she meant it to be me.

I can't decide if it's better or worse this way. But I think I just don't care anymore.

I have nothing to live for now that Olivia is gone. I can't go to work again, looking at her desk, which will eventually be taken by my next partner. I can't go to work alongside another person who can never take her place. When she left to work for the feds, when Dani was with me, it was torture for a while. And then the pain numbed over. Dani took the edge off a little bit.

But if I ever have another partner, I'll be betraying her.

I'm done.

But deep in my heart, I know I have to let go. She wouldn't want me to end my life just because I don't have her to lean on anymore.

I just can't bear the thought of being without my Liv.

What do I do?

_As strong as you were, tender you go  
I'm watching you breathing, for the last time  
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet  
I know what it means and I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home._

When I finally do sleep, my dreams are riddled with her. First I see Olivia as my partner again, like nothing ever happened. Then I see her blood-soaked body, lying frail and lifeless on that alley floor.

That's not the way I wanted to remember her. She was too strong, too beautiful, too bright to be remembered this way. She didn't deserve what happened.

Her funeral is tomorrow. I'm giving the eulogy. Her brother will be there, and his wife and Olivia's 3-year-old niece, Sarah. The niece she loved even without ever knowing her. The niece who will never know what she missed out on by never getting to know her aunt Olivia.

Now the tears are falling again. I'm afraid to sleep, for fear of being plagued by dreams of her. I'm afraid to stay awake, being forced to relive that moment over and over in my mind, torturing myself.

My life has turned into a living hell. My only condolence is that I know Olivia could never make it to the real one. She was too good.

_And they were all born pretty in New York City tonight  
And someone's little girl was taken from the world tonight  
Under the stars and stripes._

The day is long gone as I begin my eulogy. There is not a dry eye in the place, and there hasn't been for the last 15 minutes. Simon and Lucy are here, along with little Sarah, who doesn't even understand what is going on. Cragen, Munch, Fin, Lake, Casey, Alex (who finally got out of WPP last month – she came with her fiancé, Trevor Langan), even DA Jack McCoy and Judge Donnelly. Even Dean Porter managed to drag his ass away from the feds long enough to drop in. I also see some less familiar faces – some detectives from 1 PP, like Mike Logan and Bobby Goren, along with Goren's partner Alex Eames. And of course Kathy is here with Elliot Oliver (God, it seems like so long ago that she sat in that hospital bed, telling Olivia how she was naming the baby's middle name after her) and my four other wonderful kids. They are all crying, even Kathy. I guess the bond she and Liv forged after the accident really stuck.

The flags are flying at half-mast all around the city, mourning the death of a cop. Wherever I go, I am reminded of her, and whenever I'm reminded of her, I can't keep it together even a little bit.

Now I'm standing in front of all these people, my little paper clutched in my hand, tears staining my face. I stopped attempting to hide them several hours ago. Who am I kidding, I haven't stopped crying since it happened.

Let's see if I can talk now. I'm still choked by the lump in my throat, but I don't have a choice about this. I have to, for Liv.

Here goes nothing. I didn't think I'd have to do this for many years to come, but here I am now, and I think I can do it. Thank God.

I'm speaking now, but I can hardly register the words I'm saying. It's like they're made in a factory, dry and undeserving of the person Olivia was.

_As strong as you were, tender you go  
I'm watching you breathing, for the last time  
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet  
I know what it means and I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home._

Now I'm almost finished. I can't even understand why I'm doing this, except that it's for Olivia. My throat is closing as I speak the last words.

"Olivia Benson was the person we all aspire to be, the person we all _should_ be. She touched so many lives, most of which we will never know of because her modesty governed above all.

"She was taken from us without understanding why. She was taken from us without being able to finish the work she'd started. But she would not want us to dwell on this – she would want us to pick up where she left off, to pick up the pieces of the lives that shattered when hers broke. So we will draw strength from this, as if the strength she possessed has been bestowed upon us. We will never stop missing her. I know that a part of each of us will never be whole again now that she is gone.

"But ask yourself this question: Would Olivia Benson have given up if any of us was gone and she had lived? The answer is no. She would have continued trying to make the world a better place, and even though it may seem like a darker place without her light to guide us, we must try to carry on her legacy. We must do this, not for us, but for Olivia."

I'm sobbing now, and it looks like most everyone here is, also. But they are crying for different reasons than mine – the tears are falling from my eyes because I don't even believe my own words.

Olivia, I can't go on without you. You were my everything, and I may not have told you, but you were the most amazing person I've ever known and could ever hope to know in years to come. You were my soulmate, and now nothing will ever be the same again. I have to be there for my kids, so I know in my heart that I won't see you again for a very long time.

But when I do, I'll never leave you. I'll sweep you up in my arms and never let you go. I'll carry you home, and I'll never leave if you don't.

**A/N:** I seriously cried when I wrote this fic. Seriously. I heard the song ("Carry You Home" by James Blunt) and this just popped into my head. It's told from Elliot's point of view as he deals with Olivia's death (yeah, I hate to kill her too, she's awesome, but I needed to write something that's not from her POV for once and this just worked out well).

And yeah, I know I need to be working on the 3rd chap of Keep Holding On. It's almost done, I promise! I just have a tad bit of writer's block about a tiny little thingie...and then it'll be ready to post. This won't have any more additions until that is up, I swear! I just couldn't get this out of my head, so here I am at 3:30 AM writing this...All I have to say is that you better darn well ENJOY IT! ;)

Please R&R! This will be full of song-fic oneshots. The next one will be using "Collide" by Howie Day (the best EO song out there!!!)


End file.
